Don't both of you think this whole fight thing between two magazines
- is a bit ridiculous? Well
Yes, but it's good publicity, especially in today's market
And from what I can understand, George's magazine can really use the ink
I agree Our whole fight is inane
I'm doing this because Richard challenged me
and, as a gentleman, I accepted
But Richard challenged you because you wrote,
among other things, that he had the penis of a hermaphrodite
That was sloppy journalism
I do want to apologise
to any hermaphrodites
who may have been insulted by an unflattering comparison
(Bell dings)
So why are you two fighting?
Richard's my boss and he said I had to
For a team to win in a match like this, it has to be best two out of three,
and he said that we needed a cartoonist on our side
since Ray is a cartoonist
I I really love your comics, by the way
Oh, thank you (Bell dings)
They say that the pen is mightier than the sword,
but when we meet in the ring my fist will be mightier than my pen
I wish your pen were mightier than your fist, Jonathan,
but your honest assessment of your talent is quite commendable and appreciated
Cheers (Bell dings)
I'm looking forward to being punched
I've never actually practiced S and M, but I've always wanted to
and, you know, this seems like a really good opportunity
Especially since I'll be hit by someone whose work I admire
- (Bell dings) I think that a homoerotic subtext
is precisely what this fight needs to make it more lively
Oh, I'm sorry to put you on the spot, Mrs Antrem,
but you've been married to both of these gentlemen
What do you think of all this? I think the whole thing is absurd
I don't want either of them getting hurt
Hands up all the time
The guy you're fighting is tall Remember, you've got to make a sandwich
Your hands are the bread. Your head is the meat
Protect the meat OK, Sal, thank you
Bread, meat (Grunts)
I've really been fantasising about beating Louis Greene
He's been rude to me one too many times
Yeah, I have nothing against the weirdo that I'm boxing,
but I look forward to kicking his ass, you know?
I keep having this daydream that if I win I get Priscilla back
Why'd you ever lose her anyway?
She was like a cat
She'd never come to me when I wanted her to
That's why I like dogs
But when she did come to me, I mean, it was magnificent
She was highly orgasmic
When she sees what I do to Antrem in the ring, yeah,
she'll be reminded of what it's like to be in bed with me
(Grunting and yelping)
(Gasping)
That's how you make love?
(Yelps)
(Phone)
Hello Hey, it's Stella
We met a few weeks ago at the co op Yeah, hi How are you?
I'm good Um (Chuckles)
And, I don't know, I was thinking about you
and I was wondering if you wanted to hang out tonight
Um, I'm supposed to be working on my novel
Well, I got this really good pot,
medical marijuana from California
It could help with your writing
(* Freelance Whales: Kilojoules)
Why don't you have shelves?
My girl... my ex-girlfriend took them with her when she moved out
Mm
Why don't you build some? I'm not very mechanical
I could build them for you Really?
Yeah I used to work for Habitat for Humanity
- You did? Mm hm
Oh, well, I'm human
Let's play I never miss when I'm stoned,
or it's like I don't care if I do (Snarling)
Come on Let's go
- What? Game on
What's the name of your basketball team? The, uh, In Your Face What's yours?
The Kicking Your Butts Oh, you are? That's weird
It's kind of a stupid name for a team that doesn't do that
Oh really? Argh! (Thump)
- Are you all right? I'm fine Where's the ball?
(Typing)
(Phone)
- Hello. Is this Jonathan Ames?
Yes Who's this?
It's not important who it is
What is important is that you take a dive
- in your fight with Louis Greene, or else. Or else what?
Or else we'll make George Christopher the laughing stock of the publishing world
and maybe even the magazine world too
What are you talking about? I'm talking about you taking a dive, Ames
All right? I've got to go Bye
Hello? Hello?
Well, that's a weird phone call Probably one of your disturbed friends
You're my only disturbed friend who'd do something like that
Don't mention it to George I don't want to upset him
Are you going to do anything about it? Nothing to do It's gotta be a prank
Let me get you guys wrapped
I had a really nice time with Stella last night
She's the first girl since Suzanne I kind of have feelings for
Did you at least bang her? Yeah, did you bang her?
No, it was like a real date
We played nerf basketball, listened to music
We didn't even kiss What, are you in the fifth grade?
I lost my virginity in the fifth grade
- What was his name? Father Francis
(* The Jimmy Castor Bunch: It's Just Begun)
I'm going to kick your ass, Antrem
You're an idiot, a fool, a slob
I can't stand you You should never have married my ex wife
All right, George, you're gonna shoot your whole wad
Save it for tomorrow night Yeah, you're right Thanks
(* Ursula 1000: Got Cha)
OK, stop Stop
Stop (Wheezing)
Hey, I want to thank both of you
for supporting me in this whole thing
I know it's delusional behaviour, but it's important to me
I like being delusional - Yeah, me too.
We're delusional together
Thank you
We're going to kick some major GQ ass tomorrow
I can feel it I just hope I don't get a brain injury
What is that, a bridge?
(Phone)
Hello Hey
Practicing for your dive tomorrow night?
Why should I? Because I have something you want
What are you talking about? I have a Viagra bottle
The name on it, George Christopher
He's been on this stuff since 1997
Plenty of refills
How did you get that? Hey, you know what? Shut up
Here's the drill You're going to take a dive in your fight tomorrow,
or else this bottle's going to Page Six
and Christopher, the so called ladies' man, is going to be humiliated
All right Got to go Hanging up
(Laughter on TV)
- What the fuck? I'm Jonathan Ames
Get the fuck out of here
- What the hell is that thing? You don't want to find out
Where's the Viagra bottle?
Hey, I don't know what you're talking about, asshole
- Come on, man. Settle down
Shit, how did you find me? You called from your home phone
Amateur Hey, I'm not a fucking amateur
Where did you get the Viagra?
You can't make me talk
This thing picks locks It also does a nice job on eardrums
I got it from George Christopher's dumpster
You're not smart enough to mastermind a job like this Who put you up to it?
You know what? I'm a lot of things, but I ain't no rat
- (Clicks) Louis Greene
Hey, wait, wait
Don't tell Greene I screwed this up, all right?
He'll be pissed off And he's supposed to give me $200
You want to make that kind of money?
Bet on Ames
(* Raphael Saadiq: Love That Girl)
(Phone)
Hello
Oh my God, really?
No, uh, yeah, send her up
Priscilla, I am so happy to see you
- Hello, George. Come in
Come in Come in (Laughs)
(Sighs)
(Phone) (Groans)
Hello It's Stella What are you doing?
Trying to write My book's due tomorrow and now I've got 47,000 words left to go
Also I have a boxing match tomorrow I'm losing my mind
Oh, shit. I won't bug you then. We'll do it another time
The vaporiser I ordered finally arrived today
(Whirring) (Both chuckle)
(* Glass Ghost: Like A Diamond)
Just squeeze down on that nipple and suck in the marijuana vapour
It's like I've been instantly and beautifully lobotomised
I know
And it's healthy because it's invisible vapour
Um Ugh
(Both giggle)
Your apartment is beautiful
Oh, thank you
It's a little cold, though, isn't it?
I mean, I sort of float around here trying not to make a mess,
almost like it's someone else's home
George, I've come here to talk to you about something
Your fight tomorrow Can we can we talk about the past first?
I have no filters My frontal lobes may be going, but I have to say immediately
that I haven't stopped thinking about you for 20 years
and that you look very beautiful George
I'm really glad that you could hang out
There was this pollen in the air today that smelled like kissing
Do you know that smell?
Yeah I love that smell
Mm
Do you remember our little apartment on West 11th
with the curtains by the window?
Yes, of course I remember
Do you still like to role play Nosferatu?
(Chuckles)
Cos every couple of months,
I I have this recurring dream,
where I'm in the curtains, hiding,
and that I'm that I'm kissing your neck
George, I don't want you to fight Richard tomorrow
What? What
I can't back out I'd be humiliated He challenged me
He would never tell you, but he has a heart condition
He shouldn't exert himself
- Well, what do you want me to do? Just let him win
What do you call it? You know
take a dive
Wait, going back, when you say that he, uh
can't exert himself, does that mean
Yes, we haven't had sex in two years
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Mm
Oh, God
I'm married
Oh, God Oh, George
Oh! Oh! George!
I think I'm still coming
My whole body is vibrating like a tuning fork
I'm glad
I'm not vibrating, but I do feel really good
Why couldn't you write your novel?
I don't know I just wasn't into it
I don't mean to give you advice,
but my writing teacher said
that you should only write about what you love
I'm not a writer, but that's what I try to do when I paint
Hm
What do you love?
I love being a part time private detective
I actually solved a case today
Then that's what you should write about
Want to vaporise some more pot?
I want to vaporise you
(* Christina Courtin: Hedonistic Paradise)
That was lovely, George
I know
Thank you for being so sweet to me
It's not hard to be sweet to you
I think that we've entered a third act,
despite what Fitzgerald says about there being no second acts in life
We were married,
divorced,
and now lovers
Will you throw the fight?
(Jonathan) Actually, I kind of like this girl Stella
She's sexy as hell, smart, Jewish, has a great vaporiser
Sounds like your mother I'd like to try a vaporiser
Do you think I blew it by having sex? Do you think I'll lose to Greene?
Sal said we weren't supposed to drink or have sex before the fight
I want to do what Sal says - Well, I had sex and booze.
Who did you have sex with? I can't really say, but I have no regrets
It's the first time I haven't had to use Viagra in years
Oh, look, it's the losing team
We're not supposed to see each other till the fight
What, is this a wedding? I can't see you in your dress?
Don't be such a frail plant, George Save it for the ring
Hoo! (Groans)
Hi, Ray
Hey, Jonathan Many fighters choose to listen to music before a fight
It gets them pumped up I've chosen to listen to your audio book
I find it properly enraging, so thank you
I have the Viagra bottle, Louis That was a dirty trick you tried to pull
You don't read much Machiavelli, do you, Jonathan?
There are no dirty tricks, just winning and losing
Don't worry, I'm prepared to beat you even playing by the rules Hah
(Laughing)
(Crowd cheering) GQ! GQ!
Edition! Edition! - GQ! GQ!
(* Law Of The Least Effort: Lobby Call)
Are you going to be all right? Not to worry I'm fighting a masochist
He'll be OK
OK, look, I'm gonna do the old rope a dope, just like Will Smith in Ali
I watched it last night - You mean, like Ali?
Yeah, but I didn't see Ali, I saw Will Smith playing Ali
Anyway, I'll exhaust this guy by doing rope a dope
All right, champ Let's go
Ray, kick his ass Come on Let's go! Go, Ray!
Come on, man! Remember, hands up Go get him
Gentlemen, I want a good, clean fight Protect yourselves at all times Touch gloves
Hey, thanks for doing this
Represent, baby!
- Come on, Ray. Come on, baby! Come on!
(Bell dings)
Ray!
(Both) What the fuck was that?
- I'm getting up. Don't
Why? Because I don't want you to get hurt
I want you in one piece tonight ...four, five...
Really? Yes, really
eight, nine I do love you, you know
Ten! It's over (Bell dings)
Hey, man, get up I didn't get hurt yet
I I didn't mean to knock you down
Oh, crap
Yeah, that's not bad
Uh, uh, uh, uh
Yeah, yeah Oh! Ooh!
Holy shit, Stella came I didn't know she was coming
- In you go. Huh?
Sal, I suddenly feel scared
That's normal All fighters are scared
But once you get in the ring, you're like a god
But I'm agnostic I'll say a prayer for you
I want a good, clean fight Touch gloves
Go to your corners At the bell, fight (Bell dings)
(* LCD Soundsystem: Freakout)
Go, Jonathan - Bam, boom!
Protect the meat. Your head is the meat
Your hands, yeah
(George) Come on, come on, buddy
I'll say it again, your first novel was amateurish at best
Well, you are a lousy critic and a small time blackmailer
What do you know?
Come on! Yeah! Jab, jab, jab
Do yourself and the reading public a favour
If you feel the need to write, you can always keep a diary
You shut up!
The New York Times said my prose was lucid!
- Yeah! Whoo hoo hoo hoo!
Oh, God, I'm sorry Are you all right?
Don't say you're sorry I didn't know The Times liked your work
six, seven
I must've missed that eight, nine, ten!
It's over (Bell dings)
Yes! Yes! Whoo! Yeah!
(* Junkboy: Lost Parade)
You were amazing I'm so proud of you
You want to come over tonight and celebrate?
I can't I already have a urinary tract infection
I always get them after I have sex I don't know why
Well, we don't have to have sex We could just hang out
No, it would be too frustrating
We'll see each other in a week I'll drink a ton of cranberry juice
But I have to go now, I'm meeting some friends
You were an animal
Stella?
(* Arling And Cameron: Dirty Robot)
(Bell dings) Come on, George
No, no low blows, that's a low blow Low blow!
- Watch those rabbit punches. Tell him
Come on
Beautiful, beautiful
Quit holding on to me like a little schoolgirl
You're holding on to me Everyone can see it's you holding on to me
Why are we doing this again?
You said my mouth was shaped like the anus of a starfish
- (Bell dings) Yes!
Yeah Nice, George
You're destroying him Holy shit, Edition might beat GQ
(George) I know It feels so good, man
Keep working your jab
Deep breaths, deep breaths
You've got him (Mouths)
(Woman) Fight back! (Bell dings)
Go, George Stay loose, stay loose, champ
Touch gloves At the bell, fight
This is the round, George This is your round
Come on, George
Go, George Come on, George
You got him
George, get up George, get up
One, two,
three, four,
five, six,
seven, eight,
nine, ten, it's over
(Bell dings)
Hah! Ah ha ha ha ha!
(Laughing)
Who's the hermaphrodite now? Who's the hermaphrodite now?
You showed a lot of heart, George
I think I'm gonna skip out on the post fight drinks
This whole violent thing has turned Leah on
She wants to have sex tonight
It's the first time in weeks That's great, Ray
Yeah, thanks Oh, there she is
You guys were great tonight
- Hm. Huh!
What can I tell you, George? It's life, isn't it? It's the law of the jungle
It's Darwin Whatever you say, Richard
Huh I'll I'll see you around campus
OK, champ? (Clicks tongue)
(Mouths)
Hey, let's get in there one more time
Thank you
Do you think we learned anything tonight?
No
But that's OK
It's good to stay in the dark about things
It keeps life interesting
George, I'm glad you're in my life
Glad you're in mine, Jonathan
Oh, yeah Oh, yeah
Come on Yeah - Oh. Yeah, I see.
Yeah, that's what it is
Oop, I think I got the reach on you there
Yeah, that's true
But I have the lower centre of gravity
(Laughing)
It allows me to do things like this Oh, slow down, you little bugger